I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way, the stakes have risen exponentially. Suddenly, a single exam becomes the road sign in the intersection of the future, pointing you in one direction -- or, a la glass-half-empty, blocking off other directions. Suddenly, the consequences of decisions are weightier than previously imaginable (and will soon be literally life-or-death). Suddenly, the naivete of youth is no longer a credible excuse for irresponsibility.
It was never
just about me, but I've been fortunate that most of the mistakes in my short life have been relatively self-contained. Make mistake, undergo distress, learn lesson, move on. No one else gets hurt. That isn't to say that I haven't committed my share of emotional warfare as well, but I can honestly say that I've done my best to play fair and minimize damage to others; I have few regrets.
But suddenly, it really really
really isn't about me. It was naive to assume that my decisions, good or bad, wouldn't - or couldn't - make a huge difference to someone else. In a way it was simultaneously self-centered and self-deprecating, to believe that I was so insular that no one else could possibly be affected by my choices. Sometimes it takes some perspective to realize that you could be standing in the center of a ripple. And it's scary to think that as the stakes rise - there's no telling how far the ripple will reach.
Labels: musing
