real quotes

Two 100% real conversations with patients on trauma surgery:

Jo (to drunk injured driver brought in after motor vehicle collision)

Is there anyone we can call right now to let them know you're here?

Patient

Yeah, uh, I got a woman.

Jo

Sure, what's her name and a number where I can reach her?

Patient

[gives first name and number]

Jo

And her last name?

Patient

Uhh... I dunno. It don't matter anyway, we getting married soon and it's gonna be MY last name.

****************

Jo (to drunk combative patient, who will be a convicted felon upon release from hospital, with gunshot wound to upper thigh)

Sir, I'm going to need you to lay still so I can examine this wound.

Patient

No!! Stop touching me!! That hurts, b****!! [thrashes around wildly]

Jo (yelling)

Be still! I need to stop this bleeding. I'm going to lift up your gown and look at your thigh now, okay? [looking around desperately for his accompanying police to restrain him]

Patient concedes, lifts his entire gown, and exposes his genitalia and anus with legs splayed

How's that? You like THAT, b****?

Jo

Sir, please just lay still. There is no need for you to do that.

Patient

Shieeeet, I ain't just putting on a free show here!