HSM vs. camp rock

For reasons that are not entirely clear, we spent last Saturday night watching Camp Rock and High School Musical 2. If you are like me and live under a rock (Jonas who?), you may not have heard of these cinematic masterpieces, the latest from Disney's marketing geniuses. It seems the formula for wild success with teenaged (and, apparently, unnamed 20-something) girls is any combination of cute boys, upbeat candy pop, and choreographed group dance. Plot is irrelevant, as are acting skills. So which of these soon-to-be-classic films comes out on top? Let us compare according to the aforementioned criteria.

1) Cute boys

I have to go with Camp Rock and the Jonas brothers on this one. While Zac Efron (HSM) isn't bad, he reeks of fake-bake and too much makeup. The middle Jonas brother really takes the cake in "smoldering hotness": several million teenage girls can't all have bad taste (+1). Unfortunately, the oldest Jonas brother has hideous poodle-puff hair in this movie (-1), as well as some pretty idiotic lines. He just can't catch a break. The youngest one is adorable though, and the middle brother gets some quality close-up shots as he serenades us -- I mean, his on-screen love interest -- on the guitar (+1).


CR 1, HSM 0

2) Upbeat candy pop

Both movies are pretty comparable in this category. I wouldn't be surprised if many of the same artists worked on both movies. No huge risks, no experimental funk riffs, no mind-bending or innovative chord progessions. A lot of your basic VI-IV-I-V, with solid inspirational "be yourself" Disney messages sprinkled throughout the lyrics. That said, Disney does nothing if not excel at catchy pop that you can't help liking immediately. CR +1, HSM +1.

CR 2, HSM 1

3) Choreographed group dance routines

High School Musical definitely wins here. I have no idea how the producers of Camp Rock dropped the ball so completely on the dance routines and/or casting kids who can dance. There is one particularly painful scene in which the middle Jonas brother is supposed to be "teaching" the group of aspiring rockers how to dance. He kind of flails about with seizure-like activity. Seriously, how did the director see this after filming and actually go, "Hey yeah, that's great, let's put this scene in the movie!" It's clear that the HSM kids are all extremely natural and talented dancers, and they benefit from great choreography as well (+1).

FINAL SCORE: CR 2, HSM 2 TIE!! I think what this means is that there is no winner when it comes to watching either of these movies.

But wait!! There is a fourth bonus category: unintentional comedic value. Now I know I said that plot and acting ability are irrelevant in these movies, and that mostly holds true. However, Camp Rock pushes the envelope when it comes to unacceptably bad acting, flat dialogue, and cheesy predictable plot. This, on top of the poodle-puff hair and seizure-dancing, makes for nonstop hilarity!! Good times and laughs all around!! CR +1 for the win!!

P.S. Okay, this is somewhat lame.
P.P.S. Shut up, I'm an MS4 with time on my hands.