lost in thought

Is it incredibly morbid that I feel most alive when my patients' lives hang by a thread? I've come to realize that what inspires me most in medicine is life and death, quick decisiveness, saving lives. In all my current apathy, it's almost like I need the intense (melo)drama and adrenaline that comes with caring for a patient who is literally fighting for each minute of his/her life. It makes me think. It makes me care. It makes me appreciate.

And when they often die, it makes me incredibly sad.

I often joke that I don't believe in moderation, but it's mostly true: I will work out either every day or not at all. I often binge eat. I won't study at all for 7 weeks, then cram like a maniac for a week straight. My emotions have always been rather extreme as well, and recently have become closely linked to the work I do. I don't know what's the lesser of two evils: being so apathetic in life as to mimic melancholic depression, or feeling alive only because of a constant melodramatic reminder of how fragile we all are.

I don't know what I want to do with my career. I fear that following my passion for life/death will lead to throwing my entire emotional reserve into my work with nothing left for myself and/or relationships. On the other hand, the daily grind of boredom, apathy, and leaden paralysis is getting me nowhere either.