constant thoughts

I try to smile every day. I try to laugh and be happy in public. I try to remember that life is a funny thing and sometimes shit happens. And most of all, I try to convince myself to trust the decisions that I've made, and trust that I made them for what were compelling reasons - even if the rationale is now beginning to blur in my head. Time offers such a safe distance from the immediacy and passion and certainty of these things, but I need a black-and-white reminder of why things had to turn out this way. If anything, time turns things into shades of gray for me, leaving room for doubt and what-ifs, snatching what little conviction I had in the first place that this was the right decision. And if/when I finish rationalizing one way, I go back and rationalize the other way.

E et al. have always teased me about rationalizing everything. Everything. Most of the time it's quirky and harmless, and perhaps even a source of amusement to those around me. But in "real life" and crappy interpersonal situations, it really complicates things unnecessarily and turns around to bite me in the ass.

Please note the numerous bite marks on my ass.

and if i hurt you, then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy
and then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone